She gave me a hesitant look, a quick glance to me and then over to my sister. I don't know what she'd said, but I knew it was eluding to Cupcake, or more precisely, Uncle Cupcake.
Rayne, Lyla, my sister Beth and I were all sitting around the dining room table. Devlin was there too, under the table. Isn't it amazing how when you're only 6 years old you can get away with crawling under tables and go mostly unnoticed- you're that small still. What fascinations are there being underneath tables? There you are flat on your small back, your video gaming - otherwise dead cellphone- in your hands just playing away while lying there in that strange spot. I guess it made little Devlin apart of things while not really being a part of things- you know what I mean? Anyway, Rayne made some reference or another and I looked at her and said, "It's okay, you can talk about him. Uncle Cupcake would want you to talk about him." And he would.
I think I knew what made her hesitant to do so though, my sister didn't want me to be sad and had most likely issued a few warnings not to bring up Cupcake because it would make me sad. ((I could be wrong, I didn't ask her.))
Lyla, my other ten year old niece had in fact made me cry a few weeks before, not intentionally at all. She shared her favorite song with me and it just happened to be a sad love song. (I mentioned this on FB already, pictures of her first week of school. Yes, I do repeat myself more often than you probably like.) In retrospect I think I could have probably kept the tears at bay that day somehow to spare her feelings. I mean, come on! A ten year old having to deal with a crying 59 year old aunt!? Who wants that, who should have to deal with that? Did I traumatize her? I don't think so, I hope not. I told her afterwards that it was okay, just memories and missing Uncle Cupcake so much I couldn't help but cry. Of course later on I teased her, smiling and joking to make sure she knew I didn't hold any hard feelings at all whatsoever. I jokingly told my sister, and later her mother that she made me cry, and I smiled and gave a little laugh. Was that joking taken seriously though? Sometimes we tease and believe others know we are teasing, but they may smile and still feel a little hurt. I'll have to talk to Lyla about that just to make sure-- the last thing I want is her feeling the least bit of guilt over my crying. Pesky tears don't care about the age of their audience. Rayne and Lyla grew up with Uncle Cupcake- teasing Uncle Cupcake. Yesterday (Friday) Matthew was doing a bit of teasing with the kids and it reminded me so much of Jerry. I didn't cry then but the memory makes me tear up a bit now. That's the way of these things, pesky tears don't care if I want to cry or not. Pesky or not, the tears will have their own way as they continue to cleanse my heart of its accumulated, and accumulating pain.
The three month mark is just a couple of days away-- three months-- a quarter of a year, how is that possible-- you were here just yesterday… or so my heart deceives while my mind forces reality through the delusions of my heart.
*******
Isa 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Isa 25:9 And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.
Rayne, Lyla, my sister Beth and I were all sitting around the dining room table. Devlin was there too, under the table. Isn't it amazing how when you're only 6 years old you can get away with crawling under tables and go mostly unnoticed- you're that small still. What fascinations are there being underneath tables? There you are flat on your small back, your video gaming - otherwise dead cellphone- in your hands just playing away while lying there in that strange spot. I guess it made little Devlin apart of things while not really being a part of things- you know what I mean? Anyway, Rayne made some reference or another and I looked at her and said, "It's okay, you can talk about him. Uncle Cupcake would want you to talk about him." And he would.
I think I knew what made her hesitant to do so though, my sister didn't want me to be sad and had most likely issued a few warnings not to bring up Cupcake because it would make me sad. ((I could be wrong, I didn't ask her.))
Lyla, my other ten year old niece had in fact made me cry a few weeks before, not intentionally at all. She shared her favorite song with me and it just happened to be a sad love song. (I mentioned this on FB already, pictures of her first week of school. Yes, I do repeat myself more often than you probably like.) In retrospect I think I could have probably kept the tears at bay that day somehow to spare her feelings. I mean, come on! A ten year old having to deal with a crying 59 year old aunt!? Who wants that, who should have to deal with that? Did I traumatize her? I don't think so, I hope not. I told her afterwards that it was okay, just memories and missing Uncle Cupcake so much I couldn't help but cry. Of course later on I teased her, smiling and joking to make sure she knew I didn't hold any hard feelings at all whatsoever. I jokingly told my sister, and later her mother that she made me cry, and I smiled and gave a little laugh. Was that joking taken seriously though? Sometimes we tease and believe others know we are teasing, but they may smile and still feel a little hurt. I'll have to talk to Lyla about that just to make sure-- the last thing I want is her feeling the least bit of guilt over my crying. Pesky tears don't care about the age of their audience. Rayne and Lyla grew up with Uncle Cupcake- teasing Uncle Cupcake. Yesterday (Friday) Matthew was doing a bit of teasing with the kids and it reminded me so much of Jerry. I didn't cry then but the memory makes me tear up a bit now. That's the way of these things, pesky tears don't care if I want to cry or not. Pesky or not, the tears will have their own way as they continue to cleanse my heart of its accumulated, and accumulating pain.
The three month mark is just a couple of days away-- three months-- a quarter of a year, how is that possible-- you were here just yesterday… or so my heart deceives while my mind forces reality through the delusions of my heart.
*******
Isa 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Isa 25:9 And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.