Today as I sat at Jerry's computer I looked at all the many icons on the desktop and decided I wanted to clean it up a bit and put all the "stuff" icons in a "stuff folder". You know, or maybe you don't, but I know-- that putting a link to something on a desk top or saving a picture or text file there for quick access (not having to try to remember where I saved it) is something I do quite often. Every now and again I clean up my own desktop in the same way- making a "stuff" folder and putting all the odds and ends - non-programs, non-apps, just *stuff* in there.
So, as I was saying today I decided to tidy up Jerry's computer desktop icons. I created the "stuff" folder or rather I tried to, but it told me there was already a "stuff" folder would I like a "stuff2" and I said, yes. I didn't want to put any of the new "stuff" in with the old "stuff". So, "stuff2" folder was created and now I had to drag and drop the various tidbits into the folder. All was well, all was going smoothly. In went "Evan's Folder" I didn't need to see that anymore- it was the rehab Jerry stayed in for five month. Then I tossed in the Medicaid folder, same thing, no need to have it in sight but not quite ready to delete it forever. Then a few pictures of our roof before it was re-shingled, a couple of odd text files about estimate for roofers, and a few more jpgs of inconsequential things. All was well, this cleanup was going pretty easy overall not too much emotion involved **whew** but then I saw it…. You knew I wasn't writing this without a 'but then I saw it', there'd be no point in mentioning my desktop clean up if there weren't a 'but' to it.
There it was… a txt file tucked away between the rows of apps. The txt that was there all this time and I'd never seen it, never thought to look for it, never imagined it'd be there. Did I dare open it? Did I dare not? I didn't like what it was named, I didn't want to open it, I just didn't, but oh… how I did want to open it! Not all dramatic movie moments are stuff of fiction that's for sure. Those poignant moments get their inspiration from real life. We relate to those on screen moments with our heart's sympathy - rooting the character on to go on… open it, click on that file, CLICK ON IT ALRIGHT ALL READY just stop keeping us viewers in suspense! Then because the character is just sitting there finger resting on the touchpad, pointer on the screen right there on top of the file, and still they don't click you shout stuff like.. 'You better open it! You can't leave it like this! It's a message from the one you loved! The one who died! Don't you dare delete it without opening it!"
I sat there, I was that character in the movie, I was not in the audience in this long, drawn out way too long moment. My heart is so fragile right now. It weeps so often but more silently now than with a torrent of tears. Yet the sense of foreboding when I read what it was named just kept me frozen in time. "When I Die."
When you die?
When you…die.
You died.
You died and left me a "When I Die" text file on your desktop.
Now before people get confused because I've already written about Jerry leaving me instructions for after he died- instructions we wrote together, or rather he dictated and I typed. I knew where those were, we'd done it back in 2021 before his back surgery. This, this text file was something totally different. I hadn't known it was there, obviously. But now that I knew it was there I was in a state of semi-shock. Does that make sense? To be in semi-shock? Semi-hit by so much emotion I couldn't just willy nilly click on the link. Maybe, just maybe it wasn't what it looked like. Maybe it wasn't a text file about 'When He died', and maybe I was trying to protect this oh so broken heart, to keep it from shattering into a million jigsaw puzzle pieces I'd just need to put together again. It's so hard these shattered heart puzzles, so hard to piece together time after time- they never seem to go back quite the way they're supposed to.
I clicked on it. You knew I was going to.
As I began to read the text file I knew right away it was a poem written by someone other than Jerry- but a poem he left for me. A poem that began to tear my heart as I knew it would. Here… you'll understand, and you might even know it already.
'When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
*******
That's the end of the poem and I'm crying with you right now all over again… I can't not cry… I can't because I know he wants me to not hurt so much, but it hurts so incredibly much.
He saved that poem March 2021… saved it for me to find.
All that left of Jerry is love… I must give that love to others, may God help me, please, to give Jerry's love to others.
Oh, and there was another file… this one named 'After I'm gone'… Yes, I ripped the bandaid off fast let it share this particular breaking of my heart, I didn't need another later on. Here's what it was…
1. Contact Insurance rep for city 321-7067 fax 344-5985 for life insurance.
2. Grieve, cry if you must.
3.
That's it… there was no 3…, no 4, no 5….
He stopped at 2…. And I grieve and I must cry… He knew I'd cry… he knew…I must.
Psa_56:8 …put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
The bottle overflows.
Isa 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Merciful Lord Jesus, my heart is in Your hands to mend, my tears for You to wipe away, You know my every need, and You are so good! Thank You for Your peace that I can't understand, thank You for healing my soul, thank You gracious Lord Jesus, You've cried, You've known my grief, You know my pain. Thank You for knowing me, and for allowing me to know You. I love You Lord Jesus, right now, and forever!
So, as I was saying today I decided to tidy up Jerry's computer desktop icons. I created the "stuff" folder or rather I tried to, but it told me there was already a "stuff" folder would I like a "stuff2" and I said, yes. I didn't want to put any of the new "stuff" in with the old "stuff". So, "stuff2" folder was created and now I had to drag and drop the various tidbits into the folder. All was well, all was going smoothly. In went "Evan's Folder" I didn't need to see that anymore- it was the rehab Jerry stayed in for five month. Then I tossed in the Medicaid folder, same thing, no need to have it in sight but not quite ready to delete it forever. Then a few pictures of our roof before it was re-shingled, a couple of odd text files about estimate for roofers, and a few more jpgs of inconsequential things. All was well, this cleanup was going pretty easy overall not too much emotion involved **whew** but then I saw it…. You knew I wasn't writing this without a 'but then I saw it', there'd be no point in mentioning my desktop clean up if there weren't a 'but' to it.
There it was… a txt file tucked away between the rows of apps. The txt that was there all this time and I'd never seen it, never thought to look for it, never imagined it'd be there. Did I dare open it? Did I dare not? I didn't like what it was named, I didn't want to open it, I just didn't, but oh… how I did want to open it! Not all dramatic movie moments are stuff of fiction that's for sure. Those poignant moments get their inspiration from real life. We relate to those on screen moments with our heart's sympathy - rooting the character on to go on… open it, click on that file, CLICK ON IT ALRIGHT ALL READY just stop keeping us viewers in suspense! Then because the character is just sitting there finger resting on the touchpad, pointer on the screen right there on top of the file, and still they don't click you shout stuff like.. 'You better open it! You can't leave it like this! It's a message from the one you loved! The one who died! Don't you dare delete it without opening it!"
I sat there, I was that character in the movie, I was not in the audience in this long, drawn out way too long moment. My heart is so fragile right now. It weeps so often but more silently now than with a torrent of tears. Yet the sense of foreboding when I read what it was named just kept me frozen in time. "When I Die."
When you die?
When you…die.
You died.
You died and left me a "When I Die" text file on your desktop.
Now before people get confused because I've already written about Jerry leaving me instructions for after he died- instructions we wrote together, or rather he dictated and I typed. I knew where those were, we'd done it back in 2021 before his back surgery. This, this text file was something totally different. I hadn't known it was there, obviously. But now that I knew it was there I was in a state of semi-shock. Does that make sense? To be in semi-shock? Semi-hit by so much emotion I couldn't just willy nilly click on the link. Maybe, just maybe it wasn't what it looked like. Maybe it wasn't a text file about 'When He died', and maybe I was trying to protect this oh so broken heart, to keep it from shattering into a million jigsaw puzzle pieces I'd just need to put together again. It's so hard these shattered heart puzzles, so hard to piece together time after time- they never seem to go back quite the way they're supposed to.
I clicked on it. You knew I was going to.
As I began to read the text file I knew right away it was a poem written by someone other than Jerry- but a poem he left for me. A poem that began to tear my heart as I knew it would. Here… you'll understand, and you might even know it already.
'When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.
I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.
Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.
You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.
Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.
*******
That's the end of the poem and I'm crying with you right now all over again… I can't not cry… I can't because I know he wants me to not hurt so much, but it hurts so incredibly much.
He saved that poem March 2021… saved it for me to find.
All that left of Jerry is love… I must give that love to others, may God help me, please, to give Jerry's love to others.
Oh, and there was another file… this one named 'After I'm gone'… Yes, I ripped the bandaid off fast let it share this particular breaking of my heart, I didn't need another later on. Here's what it was…
1. Contact Insurance rep for city 321-7067 fax 344-5985 for life insurance.
2. Grieve, cry if you must.
3.
That's it… there was no 3…, no 4, no 5….
He stopped at 2…. And I grieve and I must cry… He knew I'd cry… he knew…I must.
Psa_56:8 …put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
The bottle overflows.
Isa 25:8 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
Merciful Lord Jesus, my heart is in Your hands to mend, my tears for You to wipe away, You know my every need, and You are so good! Thank You for Your peace that I can't understand, thank You for healing my soul, thank You gracious Lord Jesus, You've cried, You've known my grief, You know my pain. Thank You for knowing me, and for allowing me to know You. I love You Lord Jesus, right now, and forever!